One of the things I have discovered, post divorce, is that I was miserable and did not know it. I knew I was unhappy but I did not realize that I was also: bitter, angry, frustrated, disappointed and emotionally drained. I was too busy being happy.
Why should I be unhappy? I had a nice home, a husband and children which lead to grandchildren. I was volunteering in church, I had friends I even had a garden- of sorts. True, I didn’t get to see my family when I wanted to; nor did I spend much quality time with my husband, but I was always busy.
Even though I did not have a personal relationship with my husband my relationship with God was growing. The greater the reality of my life became the more I served the church and others. It is exhausting being so helpful! Despite my workload from the ‘job’ and volunteering I tried to make time for: gardening, sewing, knitting, crocheting, and even writing a novel that I had to repeatedly start over because the computer kept crashing.
Admitting that there is a problem is the first step. The second step is coming up with a doable plan to change; my life required a change of venue. I never liked Miami, I missed the visible changes of the seasons. I used to wonder how a person could walk away from a 30 year relationship and now I know the answer.
At some point it becomes harder to stay together. In an attempt to be ‘happy’ one does all sorts of superficial things like purchase: new clothes, new cars, new something different to spice up your life. Spending money to solve your problems is not only financially draining but ineffective. Mentally it is a daily battle not to expose your bitterness, anger, resentment, unforgiving heart and maybe even hate particularly if you are not aware of how you really feel. Physically, the emotions you are experiencing effect your very being- for me I ground my teeth down to almost nothing and the arthritis that plagued my body lead to my needing a cane. The unhappiness you had been trying to cover-up with a smile becomes obvious to all around you and people just tip-toe around certain subjects, like your marriage. My marriage was over the second we said “I do” because it never should have happened, the ability to save it ended the second we moved to Miami. The last 20 years of my marriage was about trying to be happy where I was.
Admitting there is a problem is the first step to solving it. Getting an understanding of how unhappy you are and then assuming the responsibility for it, it is not the other person’s fault, is crucial to developing the peace you want. Does that mean you have to walk away from a 30 year relationship? No! Understanding how you allowed yourself to take the path you are on is the next step in getting rid of your unhappiness.
In order to keep the peace I tried to blend in with the the people around me. I denied myself the freedom to be me so that my husband could be happy, that made me unhappy. I had to get a divorce because my husband wanted me to be like them and not be me. Hindsight, I see that there really was not any peace because the smile on my face did not match the sorrow in my eyes. Written by Marsha L Floyd